Flux
I am a girl in flux.
It is now October and the three months I gave myself (and the edu loan folks) as time to find a real, post-graduation job is past. Time to evaluate and take stock, yes?
So I still have no career-worthy job. Granted, I am working right now, but it is a part-time job that any high school senior could do. Simply something to occupy my time and pay the bills. Nothing that justifies the years of college I just finished. Why is this?
Well, as I can figure, this has a two part answer.
1.) I am reluctant to either proceed with or discard my dreams. What I mean is, to do what I would love to do, I cannot stay in my current geological location. There is simply no market for it here. I know this, have known this. I knew I would have to move to actually have a shot. But I can't right now for a couple of reasons. So what to do instead? Move forward with the business side of my degree, as my father is so insistent I do? And then what? Get used to the money, the routine, and then move forward within that world until I cannot fathom leaving to try reaching for the heavens? I'm so scared of getting trapped. And of failing, I suppose. And so here I am, doing lame part-time retail.
2.) I am in love. Which is fantastic, he is fantastic, we are fantastic. As crappy as my current job and situation is, it does afford me plenty of time spend with him. Much more than if I were working typical work hours. This, however, I know can be overcome. We could manage my getting a normal job. What I fear we could not manage is my moving away. I have no faith whatsoever that long-distance relationships can work. I have seen too many amazingly solid relationships become estranged as each person builds their lives in different places that, bit by bit, no longer include the other. Until they are no longer the same people that once enjoyed their love. I don't want that. And he has said that he will most likely be here for at least another year. Which kills me because we have similar dreams. And the longer he stays here, the longer we stay here, the further I see those dreams moving beyond our grasp.
I feel something breathing down my back. Something needs to change.
It is now October and the three months I gave myself (and the edu loan folks) as time to find a real, post-graduation job is past. Time to evaluate and take stock, yes?
So I still have no career-worthy job. Granted, I am working right now, but it is a part-time job that any high school senior could do. Simply something to occupy my time and pay the bills. Nothing that justifies the years of college I just finished. Why is this?
Well, as I can figure, this has a two part answer.
1.) I am reluctant to either proceed with or discard my dreams. What I mean is, to do what I would love to do, I cannot stay in my current geological location. There is simply no market for it here. I know this, have known this. I knew I would have to move to actually have a shot. But I can't right now for a couple of reasons. So what to do instead? Move forward with the business side of my degree, as my father is so insistent I do? And then what? Get used to the money, the routine, and then move forward within that world until I cannot fathom leaving to try reaching for the heavens? I'm so scared of getting trapped. And of failing, I suppose. And so here I am, doing lame part-time retail.
2.) I am in love. Which is fantastic, he is fantastic, we are fantastic. As crappy as my current job and situation is, it does afford me plenty of time spend with him. Much more than if I were working typical work hours. This, however, I know can be overcome. We could manage my getting a normal job. What I fear we could not manage is my moving away. I have no faith whatsoever that long-distance relationships can work. I have seen too many amazingly solid relationships become estranged as each person builds their lives in different places that, bit by bit, no longer include the other. Until they are no longer the same people that once enjoyed their love. I don't want that. And he has said that he will most likely be here for at least another year. Which kills me because we have similar dreams. And the longer he stays here, the longer we stay here, the further I see those dreams moving beyond our grasp.
I feel something breathing down my back. Something needs to change.
posted by MindThatGirl at
6:49 PM
1 Comments:
Dreams only slip through your grasps when you allow them to. It doesn't have to be now, it can be anytime as long as you keep on dreaming. Enjoy what is now -- for tomorrow might bring you to a different place. Just keep that dream alive, somehow... and know, and be sure that you will make them come true.
By
Cynth, at 1:59 AM
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