After a brief sojourn in hell

After a brief sojourn in hell, I am returning to my old, recognizable self. The emotional brittleness is softening, I am laughing easily now without having to force it and able to stem the unexpected flows of tears. The mental distance is dissolving. And the anxiety attacks are waning.

Thank you. Whoever You may be.

This episode really had me worried. I can usually manage better than this. But with the husband off the grid, new job disappointment/resentment, and the stresses of managing the house on my own, I think it had a chance to blindside me. Besides, I now realize that I had been neglecting my self-prescribed psychological regimen. You know, the one that helps keep me off meds? What the hell is wrong with me?

Silver lining viewpoint: I am now in the rejuvenating phase of my mental cycle. My psyche is good enough to allow me to be receptive to positive insights/resolutions immediately after leaving my mind bruised and bloody. As if I need to be thrown into the dark occasionally in order to keep myself charged up and moving forward. I haven't has an episode in several years. Several enjoyable years. But, I can admit, not very constructive years. Not like when I was in college and cycling through these phases often. I am choosing to view the past several weeks as a gift.

I am back on track.

Movies lied to me

I'm engaged!

Yay, right? Oh wow, congratulations! I'm so happy for you! Tears of happiness, jumping up and down, screams of joy, the works.

Well, that's what I was expecting when we told the folks--that or something similar. After all, it is what always happens when you tell the parents and you are not a)sixteen, b)referring to your ex-con drug dealer or c)pregnant. The movies say so. And frankly I am a little disappointed at the luke-warm reception from both sets of parents. We have been together forever and have been talking about this day for awhile now. We all get along; no one is against it. Just not giddy with excitement.

Our friends have been wonderful. Granted, at this point most of my close friends are guys so that translated to high-fives and a night of free drinks. But still, very happy for us.

I am hoping that it was just expected, our engagement. And that the closer we get to the nuts and bolts of planning, everyone will come around. Otherwise...elope?

Hot and Cold

It's really hot in my apartment. The smothering blanket of summer has fallen over Florida.

I've accomplished absolutely nothing today. Along with my cats, I have drowsily spent the day lounging and thinking of things I need to get done tomorrow. But not today. Today is clearly for thinking, not doing.

This has been my first week without my guy waking up beside me. He has taken a job across the state and has left me here until our lease runs out or I finally go mental at work. Either way, I should be joining him by the time this sweaty summer is through.

I'm pondering how, if at all, this Saturday has been any different than those spent with my guy. Physically, my apartment is dirtier without him punctually washing the dishes, cleaning cat litter and taking out bags of trash. My couch is drier; let the temperature climb past 75 degrees and he develops the most disturbing case of swamp ass known to man. Perhaps he is a super-villain while I'm not looking: Swampman, tormenting the good citizens with dampness in his wake. Well, evil sidekick at best.

I know I miss him. But I am a little ashamed at how easily I've adjusted to life without him. I'm not filled with longing, I'm not depressed. Maybe a little depressed when I look at the pile of dishes in the sink. But not when I climb into bed and he's not there. I think the cats are pining for him better than me.

I'm such a cold girlfriend. Perhaps that is why I haven't broken a trace of a sweat in my afternoon heatbox of an apartment.

Love?

How do you know if you have found 'the one'?

Everyone seems to be settling down. Hell, I'm pretty settled down myself at the moment. But I still fight this itch. That maybe I am not with the one I will spend my life with. Which in itself would not be a huge deal, except that I have put the starting my life/career on hold for him. At least until he graduates in a year.

The fact that he has not asked me to marry him, to share his life with him, makes me feel incredibly stupid when I think about the choices I've recently made. So I just try not to think about it. But it's the holiday season. The season of family gatherings and all the questions that go with it. Making the self-reflection that much harder to avoid.

There is a deep love between us. But I suppose what bothers me is that there is no longer passion. Or sex, really. Without those, what do you have besides a close friendship? Without a commitment for our future, what have I got besides a fleeting relationship? And what can I do to remedy this?

And I say 'I' because I fear this is entirely a problem of my own making. I over-think things. And create the situations I am often striving to avoid. He avoids thinking about anything unpleasant as long as possible. And clams up when confronted with anything unpleasant. I simply cannot have another tear-filled conversation with him about this; my pushing for an answer he doesn't know how to give.

Or maybe I'm more ahead than I think. We have the sweet, solid love of a old married couple. I just didn't see us as the types to fast-forward through the fun part.

Flux

I am a girl in flux.

It is now October and the three months I gave myself (and the edu loan folks) as time to find a real, post-graduation job is past. Time to evaluate and take stock, yes?

So I still have no career-worthy job. Granted, I am working right now, but it is a part-time job that any high school senior could do. Simply something to occupy my time and pay the bills. Nothing that justifies the years of college I just finished. Why is this?

Well, as I can figure, this has a two part answer.

1.) I am reluctant to either proceed with or discard my dreams. What I mean is, to do what I would love to do, I cannot stay in my current geological location. There is simply no market for it here. I know this, have known this. I knew I would have to move to actually have a shot. But I can't right now for a couple of reasons. So what to do instead? Move forward with the business side of my degree, as my father is so insistent I do? And then what? Get used to the money, the routine, and then move forward within that world until I cannot fathom leaving to try reaching for the heavens? I'm so scared of getting trapped. And of failing, I suppose. And so here I am, doing lame part-time retail.

2.) I am in love. Which is fantastic, he is fantastic, we are fantastic. As crappy as my current job and situation is, it does afford me plenty of time spend with him. Much more than if I were working typical work hours. This, however, I know can be overcome. We could manage my getting a normal job. What I fear we could not manage is my moving away. I have no faith whatsoever that long-distance relationships can work. I have seen too many amazingly solid relationships become estranged as each person builds their lives in different places that, bit by bit, no longer include the other. Until they are no longer the same people that once enjoyed their love. I don't want that. And he has said that he will most likely be here for at least another year. Which kills me because we have similar dreams. And the longer he stays here, the longer we stay here, the further I see those dreams moving beyond our grasp.

I feel something breathing down my back. Something needs to change.

Just a girl

So, some have been wondering where I've been and what I've been doing to cause my friendships to show signs of neglect. I know, they are starting to look remarkably like dirty gutter urchins. However, I can't really say exactly. Probably smiling to myself or writing some flowery poetry or listening to newly relevent love songs or whatever gay things people in my condition do.

Condition?

Yes, condition. Apperently, This Girl is loved by her guy. And shocker above all shockers, I truely love him back.

I will pause now while you so-called friends recover from that. Pick up your jaw from the floor, de-widen those eyes, start breathing again. And cancel those tickets for skiing in hell. Bastards.

Hell is still quite hot and This Girl is capable of falling in love. I was beginning tothink that it wasn't possible either. So there you go, the reason I have kinda pulled a houdini is that I've been doing the girl thing of playing with my guy exclusively.

I hate that. I hate when my friends do it and I hate that I've been doing it. It will stop soon, I'm sure the appeal of each other has to wear thin eventually. Well, maybe not. I hope not. Either way, calls will go out soon as I'm writing it down on a list as I type this. Because lists make things get done.


This Girl + Sushi = This Girl on a milk carton

Living in the past?

How can our past be such a source of pain to another?

We cannot go back and erase it. Odds are, anything in our past that could possibly hurt someone we are close to is something that we aren't too happy with ourselves. Hell, there is quite a bit I've done that I wouldn't mind not knowing about myself. Besides hiding it, what other course of action is there?

One option would be being completely honest with each other. Yes, you would have to learn many unpleasant detail, but it would be balanced. I just discovered something that I thought could be true about another, is. It wasn't that what I feared was true which upset me. It's that I was given details. Before I could stop him, I suddenly had enough for my over-imaginiative brain to conjure up a crushing mental image. One that I can't erase from my head any more than he can erase it from his past. As I lay there upset, I had to fight my old habits to keep from spilling details about a situation that he might equally abhor hearing about. Partly because I wanted to hurt him back, but partly because then we would be even. How could I be upset about being forced to picture his, if he had to picture mine?

But really, that is no solution.

Still, maybe there is a reason why our pasts can upset someone we know. Decisions that we make reflect the person that we are. Our tastes, interests, judgment and character. If past actions are found to be repulsive, isn't that justified?

I really don't want to think like that though. There has to be something else.

There has to be.

No, you hang up. No, you hang up. No, you hang---

So it's happened. I have become one part of those sickening PDA-happy couples.

Yes, I am a girl, but I have never been one of those girls. I'd swat the hand away, shun the kisses, shrug out of the embrace. Maybe if I was drunk or in a good mood, I'd allow the hands on my waist, but that was it. But now...

I can't think of a moment when we aren't grabbing, holding hands, kissing, spooning, or otherwise grossing out all our friends. Granted, it's he more than I. But I give him a close running for second. Perhaps it's because we are still a new couple. I think the official relationship (the period of time I have held the 'girlfriend' title) is about two weeks. But honestly, I don't want it to stop.

We are even sleep deprived because of cuddling time. I am dead serious. This relationship might be damaging our health.

Death by PDA. What a way to go.

And Time Passes Us By

Timing really is everything.

I've had a recent encounter with my past and it has driven this point home. Once upon a time we shared a brief moment. The strongest instant connection I've had in my life. Alas, time was not on our side and we continued on our paths. Meeting again in a small world moment years later, time was still against us (well, time and alcohol and an insane ex). Parted again until last night.

And wouldn't you know it, time is still not with us.

But still, good times were had, saying the things we should have said before. Mostly because I think we have accepted our fate.

It has got me thinking. A few of the relationships in my life right now have definitely been affected by timing. How different would we be if the stars had been with us at the crucial moments? How different would I be? In this random thing that is our reality, it can feel like someone is pulling the strings and toying with us. Like the Greek gods looking down on humanity and intervening for their own amusement.

Of course, it goes both ways. We often benefit from great timing and happy accidents. So who's to say that the supposed 'bad timing' wasn't actually good timing?

I have one dear friend now that would serve as proof of this. What seemed like a string of missed moments and bad timing when we first started to get to know each other has actually served to solidify the friendship we have now. It is deeper and more honest because of all that came before.

So my ghost returns to my old home tomorrow. I know we shall see each other again. Because this time we are grownup and have declared we shall keep in touch. I feel good about this. Friendship with my previous bad timer is stronger than ever. And I am falling for the guy I am taking a second time 'round with, something I couldn't let myself do the first time. Timing seems to be working out for me. Maybe looking out for me?

Oh, the joys of the myspacers

You know, one day the world is going to end via myspace extremists. They will mark you through your vast network of 'friends, ' identify you through your many posted drunken pics, and track you with your contact info and comments. They will find you. My god, you've made it easy.

Now, this is still a ways in the future. Like, 2 years. Come on, they have to get organized inbetween oogling naughty sites and catching up on their TiVo.

In the meantime, it seems that you all are working to kill each other over lame myspacey drama. Now, I thought that by not joining the stupid site, I would be avoiding all the stalkers, lonely losers, desperate bands, and all other issues. Turns out I was only half-right.

Now I get to hear about my friends and all their myspace drama bullshit instead. Secondhand drama is always lame. Secondhand social network drama is mega-uber-lame.

Too many of my recent convos have involved real relationships being threatened by electronic relationships on myspace. As in,

"We've been seeing each other for a month now, I thought we were, you know, together. I check out his myspace and there's this girl that has been leaving him all these comments! Like, really flirty comments! And you should see her page, all her friends call her, like, hooker and slut. Her friends. And her picture is so stupid...god you just need to see it. I'll send you a link since you're so anti-joining and can't just look her up. But get this, he comments her back! With like, encouraging things about meeting up for something weird, like eating some thai. And she totally lives nearby, so he must know her and, well, see her. Do you think he's seeing her? Oh god, the last comment was like, 5 days ago. We hung out the past two days...so at least I'm winning right? Jesus, maybe he's sleeping with her after he says goodnight to me. Oh GOD, I'm going to get the little hooker's diseases!!"

I would love to act all smug and superior at this point in the convo. But then I recall that 1)I have no such real relationship to question, 2)that I have embarked on a 'whatthehellamidoing' thing with someone that has thus far included great convo and some good sex, but just may leave me whining and crying to her soon and 3)if I were on myspace, I would totally be looking him up and no doubt be upset by whatever little thing I would find.

I thought we were grownups now. That the ridiculousness of high school hallway gossip, freshman year dorm rumors and sorority whisperings were done. That such drama was going to be based on reality now, instead of 5th-hand innuendo. Why oh why go back there again. Willingly no less?

I have another reason to try and stay off the grid now.