Living in the past?

How can our past be such a source of pain to another?

We cannot go back and erase it. Odds are, anything in our past that could possibly hurt someone we are close to is something that we aren't too happy with ourselves. Hell, there is quite a bit I've done that I wouldn't mind not knowing about myself. Besides hiding it, what other course of action is there?

One option would be being completely honest with each other. Yes, you would have to learn many unpleasant detail, but it would be balanced. I just discovered something that I thought could be true about another, is. It wasn't that what I feared was true which upset me. It's that I was given details. Before I could stop him, I suddenly had enough for my over-imaginiative brain to conjure up a crushing mental image. One that I can't erase from my head any more than he can erase it from his past. As I lay there upset, I had to fight my old habits to keep from spilling details about a situation that he might equally abhor hearing about. Partly because I wanted to hurt him back, but partly because then we would be even. How could I be upset about being forced to picture his, if he had to picture mine?

But really, that is no solution.

Still, maybe there is a reason why our pasts can upset someone we know. Decisions that we make reflect the person that we are. Our tastes, interests, judgment and character. If past actions are found to be repulsive, isn't that justified?

I really don't want to think like that though. There has to be something else.

There has to be.

No, you hang up. No, you hang up. No, you hang---

So it's happened. I have become one part of those sickening PDA-happy couples.

Yes, I am a girl, but I have never been one of those girls. I'd swat the hand away, shun the kisses, shrug out of the embrace. Maybe if I was drunk or in a good mood, I'd allow the hands on my waist, but that was it. But now...

I can't think of a moment when we aren't grabbing, holding hands, kissing, spooning, or otherwise grossing out all our friends. Granted, it's he more than I. But I give him a close running for second. Perhaps it's because we are still a new couple. I think the official relationship (the period of time I have held the 'girlfriend' title) is about two weeks. But honestly, I don't want it to stop.

We are even sleep deprived because of cuddling time. I am dead serious. This relationship might be damaging our health.

Death by PDA. What a way to go.

And Time Passes Us By

Timing really is everything.

I've had a recent encounter with my past and it has driven this point home. Once upon a time we shared a brief moment. The strongest instant connection I've had in my life. Alas, time was not on our side and we continued on our paths. Meeting again in a small world moment years later, time was still against us (well, time and alcohol and an insane ex). Parted again until last night.

And wouldn't you know it, time is still not with us.

But still, good times were had, saying the things we should have said before. Mostly because I think we have accepted our fate.

It has got me thinking. A few of the relationships in my life right now have definitely been affected by timing. How different would we be if the stars had been with us at the crucial moments? How different would I be? In this random thing that is our reality, it can feel like someone is pulling the strings and toying with us. Like the Greek gods looking down on humanity and intervening for their own amusement.

Of course, it goes both ways. We often benefit from great timing and happy accidents. So who's to say that the supposed 'bad timing' wasn't actually good timing?

I have one dear friend now that would serve as proof of this. What seemed like a string of missed moments and bad timing when we first started to get to know each other has actually served to solidify the friendship we have now. It is deeper and more honest because of all that came before.

So my ghost returns to my old home tomorrow. I know we shall see each other again. Because this time we are grownup and have declared we shall keep in touch. I feel good about this. Friendship with my previous bad timer is stronger than ever. And I am falling for the guy I am taking a second time 'round with, something I couldn't let myself do the first time. Timing seems to be working out for me. Maybe looking out for me?